Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
