So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
