just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
honey bunches of taint.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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