Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
