My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
