I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
