She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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