So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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