mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
