Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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