I think I won the penis lottery.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
