i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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