I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
