I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
