I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
