need another drink. this is the easiest way
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
