Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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