Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
