I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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