is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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