i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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