are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
