i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
