like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The police scanner is talking about you again....
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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