TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You were trust falling into bushes
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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