I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
