My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
