I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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