Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
