I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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