If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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