I met the friendliest cop last night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
