I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
