He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
