My liver just broke up with me...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
