omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
