Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
