glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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