how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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