i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
