That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
