if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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