I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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