i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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