Where is the hickey?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Randomize
