I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
