It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
