i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
