i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
