Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
