so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
