first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you traded sex for a burrito?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
