You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
